i'm BAAAAAACK!

aren't they cute? i don't know what they were looking at...

man. that was ROUGH.
i haven't felt that bad in a LONG time. and hopefully again won't for a LONG time!

i am SO thankful that i've been healthy for as long as i have...over a year! i guess i was due.

hide and seek..."here we come!"

fun surprise guests on friday evening! the guthries! it was SO great to see them!

i continued to feel awful most of the weekend. i tried to keep going, but just couldn't. pat did a GREAT job giving the kids a fun-filled weekend when i couldn't at ALL.

on sunday, we got up and got ready for church and then pat looked at me and said, "you are staying home. you look awful." i didn't fight him and went right back to bed...until 3 pm! i HATE to rest...so that's saying a lot! i think it worked wonders because when i woke up on monday, i breathed in and thought, "yes! i can BREATHE and THINK!" i still have a ways to go...but i feel a TON better! yay!!!!

because pat is so great, i don't think the kids even noticed i wasn't feeling well...he carried it all and did a GREAT job!

we went to the farm yesterday. lincoln moved this table from one playhouse to another by flipping it over and over and over. smart!

last night...just to prove i'm alive and well! :-)

and now off we go on 2 of the craziest weeks of the year. this afternoon? oh, just 2 hours of swim team, 2 hours of baseball and 2 hours of softball :-) we're ALL going to sleep good!

tranquility....ha!

these pictures were taken last thursday (i think)
the boys and i walked to the pond in our neighborhood and fed the turtles/fish/ducks.

doesn't it just look so peaceful and sweet??

ha!

i canNOT look at these pictures without busting out laughing.

we were standing there, enjoying ourselves, and then, all of a sudden 2 dogs run onto that deck thing we were standing on. no people, no leashes. just 2 dogs (decent sized ones!)

my older kids are ok with dogs (now, they used to be scared.) but these little boys?? not so much.

i kept them calm for about .5 seconds..."it's ok. they are just saying hi. you guys are fine."

and then they lost it. they both went running (i picked levi up) in 2 different directions off the deck and running in circles. of course the dogs followed them, thinking they were playing. they are screaming, crying...

i finally get lincoln and sawyer to come to me and kind of get all 3 of them in my arms as i'm squatting and THEN the 2 owners of the dogs show up. they are all, "we wondered where the dogs went!" one was very apologetic. the other was super annoyed that my boys were scared, "they are just puppies! they aren't going to hurt them!" um. THEY don't know that!

anyways...we all lived. the boys WERE very scared and wanted to go straight home. i felt bad for them.

but now, a few days later, it's hysterical to think about the scene... :-)

guilt

first, let's use this picture to preface anything REAL i say in this post.
i went grocery shopping this morning.
i still feel like crap. i can't really pinpoint WHAT, but it took me 30 minutes to convince myself to MOVE once i woke up this morning. mostly i just feel like someone is laying on top of me and doesn't want me to move. and when i DO move, i'm dragging that person around with me. it's exhausting! and i'm SICK of it.

ok. back to grocery shopping. i think i came home with most of what was on my list. and i'm not going back for a week, so we might have to get creative. but i also came home with a few extra things (which i hardly ever do. i have decent self-control in this area.)
*a watermelon-not really in the budget but it will get eaten and enjoyed and is healthy, so it's ok.
*those 3 packets that are yummy drinks for me. i've never seen those before! and looking at them now, with the way that i feel, makes me feel sick. they would be fun to drink on a night when pat grabs a beer and i usually would be sitting next to him with my nice, icy glass of...water. they are way more fun than water! random though. they were on the endcap of an aisle and it worked on me. ha! also not in the budget.
*swedish fish. my weakness. and something i don't eat anymore. i'm really {mostly} not eating ANY sugar - especially things like this! but i bought them. and i will eat them at some point. (for the record, it's been 4 hours since i bought them and they are still unopened.)

so. all that to sum up that i'm not making the most sense at the moment. ok?

but i do want to switch gears and talk about something real.

guilt.

we all feel it to a degree in our days. things we should have done that we didn't. things we shouldn't have done that we did.

well, it's magnified lots of times over when you are dealing with an adopted child. i have not been the type of mom, over the years, to try to be perfect. i try HARD and i am always trying to grow. but perfect? no way. if anything, i embrace the NOT perfect parts and show them off to my kids so that they KNOW i'm a REAL person! that fails. and yells. and has to ask forgiveness. i'm comfortable with not being perfect.

if i get impatient, or frustrated, or too snippy, i ask their forgiveness and we move on. END.OF.STORY. like, i never think about it again. and i'm pretty sure they don't either.

this is NOT the case in my relationship with lincoln.

when i lay in bed at night, i remember EVERY time he cried that day and why. EVERY time he asked a question that made my heart hurt. EVERY time he did something that revealed he isn't sure about his place in our family. i remember and i hold on and i have a HARD time moving on and letting go. sometimes this is ok. i do need to think through some of his actions a little more than the others. but mostly i don't. mostly he's a 4 year old being a 4 year old and i'm his mom being his mom and we just need to keep moving forward.

the guilt keeps me stuck. not able to move forward. i KNOW it's not something to hold onto.

and i write this so that one day, in my growth, in his growth, in OUR growth, i can remember how it was. and rejoice that it's not that way anymore!

but, for now, there is guilt and it weighs me down and i hate it.

{ok. happy weekend! enjoy! i AM going to run tomorrow. whether i have to crawl it or not...in addition to having some self-control...and not being perfect...i'm also VERY stubborn. :-)}

the greatest commandment...

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

this was the easy part...now to pray for it to move from their heads...to their hearts!

time with lincoln

today was my day with lincoln. an hour actually.
one day it will be longer, for now an hour is the magic time to keep things going well.
{for the last year, when i get together with people, i say, "we can do an hour." things go well for an hour, then...they start going downhill..}

it was perfect. that hour.
we went to the mall where they have this train that you can ride.
one of lincoln's first comments was, "you have to bring sawyer here, mom. he would love it."
so precious.

i was determined for it to be FUN. i didn't ask questions. or try to go deeper. i just went with it, smiled, held his hand and answered his {many!} questions.

as we were walking out, we walked through h&m. they had a shirt in his size with a big "L" and a lion on it.
i got it for him. i hope it will be an ongoing reminder to him...even on the harder days...of some sweet moments we had together!

{this means the jig is up, though. up until now, lincoln thought clothes came from tubs in our basement. now he knows they come from stores :-)}

getting ready for summer

it's coming! the kids get out of school on june 8. the last 2 weeks of school are going to be INSANE...between end of school activities/parties, end of softball/baseball, beginning of swim team practice every afternoon...insane!

so, i had planned for this week to be "prepare for summer" week. and then i got sick and can't put 2 thoughts together. i'm still declaring it "prepare for summer" week...and whatever i don't get planned/figured out, i guess we didn't need to do anyways!

i made this wreath a couple weeks ago in about an hour. one afternoon while we were all outside.

i used to decorate for holidays/seasons a lot more. every year that passes, the decorations get simpler and LESS. this is a good thing! but i still have some of my favorites that i LOVE to put out!

besides decorating, i have thought through the summer quite a bit...what our days will look like, goals for us as a family, etc.

i'm excited about it all! and will be sharing as we go!

rainy monday afternoon

i don't think any of them knew how awful i felt.
there were crafts going on. joshua read a whole book sitting in the middle of it all.
rebekah made cookies from scratch (and used every dish in the kitchen!) such a fun treat for everyone!
it rained and rained.
but we could hear it with the windows and doors open. love that.
i felt awful physically, but my heart was at peace.
i have so very much to be thankful for.
even the fact that i have a HEALTHY body that will get better soon.
i love this picture. a snapshot of life.